Eric's Letter
by YouRang
Summary: Eric writes a letter to his love during a dark time of his life. Rated T for adult language and subject matter. I only own Fox.


My love,

It's peaceful here, where I sit, writing this to you. It gives me the time and silence to remember.

I first saw you on Choosing Day, while I waited on the roof for the new initiates. Even then you stood out to me, with your fiery red hair, the way you held your head up, watching everyone, sizing up the competition. Your body drew me in too, curves in all the right places, a shapely ass that begged my hands to cup it; full, pouty lips I couldn't wait to taste. Fuck baby, I loved you right from the beginning.

It killed me to stay away, to watch but not touch as you trained. Burned with jealousy when Four put his hands on you, adjusted your stance, showed you a proper hook; I couldn't go near you, I knew if I did, my fragile hold on myself would break, and I wouldn't be able to stop.

You passed initiation, fifth in your class; I knew you could, I would have doctored the rankings to keep you if you hadn't. You missed out on the leadership spots, but I didn't care, it didn't matter to me what you were, as long as you were Dauntless. You chose tattoo artist, and I made myself wait a week until I tried to talk to you; who am I kidding, I was so fucking terrified you'd blow me off it took me that long to get the balls to talk.

I chose a design, asked for you and waited with sweating palms for you to call my name. Your smile when I reached your table flared heat in my chest, made it hard not to grab you and kiss you right there. Your touch was gentle, but my skin tingled all the same as you touched my back, concentrated on the emerging design between my shoulder blades. With my back to you I could close my eyes and bask in the sensations your hands brought me, close my eyes in bliss and you were kind enough to ignore the shudder I couldn't stop when you leaned in close and your breath ghosted over my skin.

I finally got up the guts to ask you and you surprised me by agreeing right away, your cheeks reddening in the most adorable way. We moved fast, maybe too fast but baby, I couldn't help myself. You were my light, my bright spot in the darkness. Our first time together, your first time ever, was mind-blowing, left us both gasping, shuddering, sweating in each other's arms. I was finally home, you were mine and I was yours, forever.

I found myself distracted at work daily, mind wandering to you, wondering what you were doing, if you were thinking of me. I left early more often than not, desperate to be back home with you, to hold you in my arms, bury myself deep inside you. I never thought I could be happier, but then you accepted my ring, my proposal as we lay together under the stars at the Navy Pier and I found new levels of heaven.

Our wedding was simple, but the party after was legend, two full days of celebration, most of which we spent lost in each other in our bed, the music from the Pit thumping through the floor in time with our sweet strains. Married life suited me, a massive surprise; I'd never imagined settling down with just one woman... until you, then I couldn't imagine any other path.

I knew that I had been given more than I deserved, but I knew you wanted more, wished for babies, for a family; and I realized I wanted that too, that you had awakened something in me I hadn't known existed. You never pressured me for a child, but I saw the disappointment on your face more than once as the months passed. Then, one day, you left work early, and when I found you at home you leapt at me, holding up the piece of plastic that would change our lives. You cried into my neck, muscles trembling and I cried with you, over the moon that I was going to be a father, but even more happy that I had finally be able to give you what you wanted. Our love that night was sweet, almost desperate in our bliss, murmuring soft words of love against each other's skin, your moans, the feel of you sheathed around me driving me beyond ecstasy, to new galaxies of love and pleasure. My soul gave over to you that night, and I knew that I would fade away, lost if you ever left me.

As your body swelled with my child, I grew more and more eager, sharing in your excitement. We chose to learn the sex, and when the technician said 'it's a boy' the smile on your face was beaten only by the beating of my own heart.

We were going to have a son, a little man to shape into the next leader of Dauntless, and I knew then that we couldn't stop at just one, I wanted a whole brood with you, wanted to experience this with you over and over again.

Then the time came; your voice cracking only slightly in fear as you phoned me to tell me your waters had broken. My heart raced the entire way to the Erudite hospital, where I demanded the best of care for you and our son. Your labour was fast, so they said, but it dragged through infinity for me; the pain you felt tore through my chest, your quiet moans slashed my heart and I wanted nothing more than to take it from you, take it into myself and save you the misery. The warm bath helped relax you, and I found peace as you leaned back against my chest, let me hold you and murmur in your ear, stroke your cheek and whisper how proud of you I was.

You were so brave and I saw true Dauntless courage as you pushed our son in the world, as I held your hand and my breath, waiting to see our boy for the first time.

Then...

The doctor's face grew grave as our son stayed silent, as he remained blue and motionless. I demanded to know what was going on, _what is happening with our son?!_ as I tried to comfort you too, tried to make sense of this chaos.

 _Nuchal cord,_ they called it. Our son was stillborn, strangled by his own umbilical cord. A freak accident. A piece of my heart died that day, and a larger piece of yours died too.

We named him Alexander William Coulter, and I held you as you cried, as our son was placed on the traditional Dauntless pyre to journey to the next world and tried not to break myself, to hold my heart and soul in my chest instead of letting them follow him.

You were devastated, your tears and agony cut me to the bone, tore my ragged heart to pieces and I tried to stay strong for you. I kept my tears from you, kept my pain secret. I continued with our life hoping that you would be able to follow, that my strength would give you the means to stand again. I held you to my chest, felt your tears wet my skin and fought not to join you, fought to be your rock. I would have waited forever for you to come back.

You were silent in my arms that morning, your face hidden by your hair. I pressed a kiss to your shoulder and bid you a hesitant good morning, hoping that the fact that you were still in bed with me, not curled in a chair staring blankly at the wall meant you were beginning to come back to me, beginning to overcome your crippling anguish.

But you were cold where our bodies didn't touch, you had left me in the night, journeyed to the next world with our baby.

 _A latent infection, perhaps a blood clot_ , the doctor said but I knew better. You died from a broken heart, I wasn't able to keep you together.

And now I sit here, where it's peaceful and quiet, writing this to you. Beside me sits a full bottle of whiskey and another full bottle of pills. I will chase one with the other, and meet you and our son on the other side. Wait for me baby, tell our boy his daddy's coming.

Forgive me my love, for not being strong enough to stay without you, but you were my heart and soul and it's too quiet here now without you.

I'm coming, baby.

I'll be there soon my precious son.

Good-bye,

Eric


End file.
